So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
