I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Shame - the story of my life.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
