Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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