so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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