she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
