Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize