I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
