If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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