I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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