Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
