Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just forgot I was standing up.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
