Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
We need to rekindle our bromance
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
