he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
