You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
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I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
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Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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