remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
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