I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
