At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
