your parents love me but you hate me
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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