Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm gonna have a badass scar
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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