I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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