i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
