I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It's shark week go big or go home
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!