I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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