I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
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He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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