Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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