dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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