I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize