he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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