just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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