This is not my ceiling
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
