Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
