my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
