phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
