I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
