listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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