I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
