I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
