positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize
