I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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