I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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