you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
being pregnant is like rehab
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
