matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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