Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Shame - the story of my life.
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