why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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