I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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