i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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