Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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