He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
