Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
