I'm so fucking centered right now
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
