I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Never let your siblings swipe right.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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