I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
