apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
