YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
